Did I disappoint you or let you down?

To start off, yes, the title is a quote from a James Blunt song.

Here's a little background. My younger sister has told me a few times that my outgoing personality and the fact that everyone knows that I'm bisexual (or they think I'm a lesbian) negatively affects her life. Apparently because people also know that my dad is gay, they think that she is a lesbian and we are all one big, happy, gay family. Also, people often talk to me about how much of a slut my sister is and how short her shorts are and such. It really bothers me that people think she's a slut.

Last night I was at a post band camp pool party after our first performance. I was talking to a good friend and I mentioned one of my sisters. My friend asked "You have a sister?!"
I replied "Yes, two." I said "My older sister is a year younger than yours, but you probably wouldn't know her because she moved in with my dad after middle school, but you might know my younger sister, Jess." My friend said he didn't recognize her name, so I told him who a few of her friends are. He asked if she was the skinny one with the long, blonde hair. I told him that yes, that is her.
My friend then said "So you and your sister are both gay?"
I said "No, she's not. Why would you think that?"
He said "I always thought that she was a lesbian."

Tonight at dinner with my sister and my mother, I told my sister what happened. I explained that it's not all my fault that people think she's a lesbian. Someone that had no idea we were even related thought she was a lesbian. We got into a big discussion that included my mom about how Jess wishes I would be less gay. I told her that I wish she would dress and act a little less slutty. I continued by telling her that no matter what situation you are in, people are going to assume things that aren't true and no matter what you do, there will be people that don't like you. We continued with our conversation for a little while.

Soon, my mother was just as much a part of the conversation as we were. She confessed that she too was uncomfortable with me flaunting my gayness. She gave the example of how she was not comfortable when I've had girlfriends in the past and I've kissed them goodbye. I asked her if it would be any different if it was a heterosexual relationship. She said that no, it wouldn't be any different. I then basically told her that either that's a steaming pile of bull shit or she's a hypocrite. Whenever she's in a relationship, even if we're running late, she'll take five extra minutes to completely get it on to "say goodbye" right in front of my face. Of course, she has to make up for the hour and a half that they're going to be apart and will not be able to go at it.

I just wish my mother could be a little more understanding. My father is proud of me for not being afraid to show who I really am. I don't really know what my mother wants from me. If I were normal, she'd be trying to get me to come out of my shell. It's me who has to go through the torture of other kids. If I'm willing to go through that, why can't she deal?

I Sing for You

I searched and searched and searched for free chords for this song. Now that I bought it, I'd like to post it for everyone else that's searching.

From: "Camp"
I Sing for You
by Michael Gore
Lyrics by Lynn Ahrens

Guitar Capo 3

(G(9)) (A2) (Bm) (A/C#) I sing for (D(9)) you (A/C#) and (G(9)/B) only you. Where (Dsus) ever I go (D/F#) I find (G(9)) you. (A(9)) You're in the sound of ev- (Dsus) 'ry hello, (D(9)) (D/F#) in ev'rything I (G(9)) do. You're the song I was des- (F#m7) tined to know, (Bm7) and I on- (Em7) ly sing (A) for you. (Dsus) (D) (G(9)) (A2) (Bm) (A/C#) You went a- (D(9)) way (A/C#) I (G(9)/B) should have known you'd leave (Dsus) so many (D/F#) dreams behind (G(9)) you. (A(9)) Though I'd be fine just be- (Dsus) ing alone. (D(9)) (D/F#) I didn't have a (G(9)) clue. But my heart had a mind (F#m7) of it's own, (Bm7) and would on- (Em7) ly sing (A) for you. (Dsus) (D) (G(9)) (A2) (Bm) (A/C#) You're in the (C/Db) sound (D) of (G(9)) rain, (Bm7) clouds in a win- (E) ter sky, (A(9)/C#) in a (Am7) thousand un- (G/B) said words, (C(9)) (D) in a (Am7) thousand cra- (G/B) zy rea- (Dm/F) sons why, (C/E) you were meant to (Am11) fly. (A/C#) So fly for (D(9)) me, (A/C#) and (G(9)/B) day by day, I'll keep (Dsus) hopin' your (D/F#) heart re- (G(9)) minds you. (A(9)) Nothing but love can stand (Dsus) in our way, (D(9)) (D/F#) but love can see us (G(9)) through. Maybe that's all I want- (F#m7) ed to say. (Bm7) I will al- (Em7) ways sing (A) for (G(9)) you. (Em7) I will (A7sus) always sing (D(9)) for (A/C#) you. (G(9)) (D)

SOS

Every summer I spend one or two weeks doing something called Summer of Service with my church. Summer of Service (SOS) is a community service day camp for middle schoolers and high schoolers run by our youth program. We work wherever we're needed around the area. We spend the Monday through Thursday on work sites for most of the day then come back to the church and play games. On Friday, we go to the beach. This week is the first time I'll be a counselor so I'll have more responsibility for the other kids. Tomorrow I'll be working in the cemetery at my church. I'm looking forward to spending the week with my friends and the other kids from church!

A blast from the past... (continued)

Soon after I finished my last post, I texted my mother. I said "Can I talk to you alone when you get a chance?". Maybe 30 minutes later, she came up to my bedroom from watching Sex and the City and I immediately began crying. I told her that I wasn't comfortable at dinner and that it's the same as her other relationships... She apologized and promised that she'd try harder this time. I believe that she's being sincere, but next time I call her out on it, her reaction will probably be different. I'm lucky this time her reaction was favorable. I wish her the best, I really do. I just don't want her to have her idea of the best. She deserves better: a normal, happy relationship.

A blast from the past...

Right now, I'm in Provincetown with my mom, sister, and my sister's friend. We came down on Monday and are leaving Thursday. I can't really remember how much I've shared about my mother's dating history, but it's not particularly good. She's had a few serious relationships, and most of them were awful, abusive even. Last August she broke up with her fiance. Seeing as they had bought a house together, it wasn't a simple split. There was a lot of fighting. It got so bad, that one night in the fall, the police were called, and he was arrested. After that, whenever he was around, I stayed with my dad. I refused to see him. Very soon after they broke up, he moved to Maryland for work and we were left with this giant, empty house that we can't afford. While we are trying to sell it, the market is really bad and it's not moving at all. A few months after they split, my mom began dating a little bit, but not extremely seriously. Finally, I think she's found a great guy who she can be happy with, but she doesn't think so. She thinks he's too tall and skinny and he eats weird. Today, he came to spend our last night with us to Provincetown. He went to the beach with us today. We had fun. Then, we came back to the house and they left to go back to the beach and watch the sunset. When they came back, everything was different. When we walked to dinner, they were holding hands and I was excited that she may have began to see that he might be a good match for her. We got to the restaurant and I felt like I was intruding on their romantic date. I understand that they should have time to be romantic and gross, but it shouldn't be at a family dinner. That's exactly what I hated about all of her other relationships. Her boyfriend wasn't actually the problem, it was her. The way that she looked at him was like she drunk on love. Scratch that! The way she looked (period) was like she was drunk on love. Her eyes were half open and it seemed like all she really cared about was him. Sorry, I'm getting too upset to even type this. I'll post more later.

Peeps in the Hood

I like my friends from two towns over. At times, they seem like the only friends I really have. They are the most amazing people in the world. I find myself wondering what I'm doing here and not there. If I feel like I'm in Hell every time I come in this school, then why do I stay here? It's because of my mother. If I were to tell her that I want to move in with my dad, she wouldn't be able to deal. My older sister already moved in with my dad 3.5 years ago and that didn't turn out so well. But really, why do I want to stay in pain for her satisfaction? Things won't turn out the way they did with my sister. Why can't I just do something for myself for a change? Almost everything I do is to please her, but I just don't know why. She's the most selfish person I know. She's cruel and nasty, but I love her because she's my mother and I'm her daughter. I believe I'll talk to my dad about it.