Did I disappoint you or let you down?

To start off, yes, the title is a quote from a James Blunt song.

Here's a little background. My younger sister has told me a few times that my outgoing personality and the fact that everyone knows that I'm bisexual (or they think I'm a lesbian) negatively affects her life. Apparently because people also know that my dad is gay, they think that she is a lesbian and we are all one big, happy, gay family. Also, people often talk to me about how much of a slut my sister is and how short her shorts are and such. It really bothers me that people think she's a slut.

Last night I was at a post band camp pool party after our first performance. I was talking to a good friend and I mentioned one of my sisters. My friend asked "You have a sister?!"
I replied "Yes, two." I said "My older sister is a year younger than yours, but you probably wouldn't know her because she moved in with my dad after middle school, but you might know my younger sister, Jess." My friend said he didn't recognize her name, so I told him who a few of her friends are. He asked if she was the skinny one with the long, blonde hair. I told him that yes, that is her.
My friend then said "So you and your sister are both gay?"
I said "No, she's not. Why would you think that?"
He said "I always thought that she was a lesbian."

Tonight at dinner with my sister and my mother, I told my sister what happened. I explained that it's not all my fault that people think she's a lesbian. Someone that had no idea we were even related thought she was a lesbian. We got into a big discussion that included my mom about how Jess wishes I would be less gay. I told her that I wish she would dress and act a little less slutty. I continued by telling her that no matter what situation you are in, people are going to assume things that aren't true and no matter what you do, there will be people that don't like you. We continued with our conversation for a little while.

Soon, my mother was just as much a part of the conversation as we were. She confessed that she too was uncomfortable with me flaunting my gayness. She gave the example of how she was not comfortable when I've had girlfriends in the past and I've kissed them goodbye. I asked her if it would be any different if it was a heterosexual relationship. She said that no, it wouldn't be any different. I then basically told her that either that's a steaming pile of bull shit or she's a hypocrite. Whenever she's in a relationship, even if we're running late, she'll take five extra minutes to completely get it on to "say goodbye" right in front of my face. Of course, she has to make up for the hour and a half that they're going to be apart and will not be able to go at it.

I just wish my mother could be a little more understanding. My father is proud of me for not being afraid to show who I really am. I don't really know what my mother wants from me. If I were normal, she'd be trying to get me to come out of my shell. It's me who has to go through the torture of other kids. If I'm willing to go through that, why can't she deal?

I Sing for You

I searched and searched and searched for free chords for this song. Now that I bought it, I'd like to post it for everyone else that's searching.

From: "Camp"
I Sing for You
by Michael Gore
Lyrics by Lynn Ahrens

Guitar Capo 3

(G(9)) (A2) (Bm) (A/C#) I sing for (D(9)) you (A/C#) and (G(9)/B) only you. Where (Dsus) ever I go (D/F#) I find (G(9)) you. (A(9)) You're in the sound of ev- (Dsus) 'ry hello, (D(9)) (D/F#) in ev'rything I (G(9)) do. You're the song I was des- (F#m7) tined to know, (Bm7) and I on- (Em7) ly sing (A) for you. (Dsus) (D) (G(9)) (A2) (Bm) (A/C#) You went a- (D(9)) way (A/C#) I (G(9)/B) should have known you'd leave (Dsus) so many (D/F#) dreams behind (G(9)) you. (A(9)) Though I'd be fine just be- (Dsus) ing alone. (D(9)) (D/F#) I didn't have a (G(9)) clue. But my heart had a mind (F#m7) of it's own, (Bm7) and would on- (Em7) ly sing (A) for you. (Dsus) (D) (G(9)) (A2) (Bm) (A/C#) You're in the (C/Db) sound (D) of (G(9)) rain, (Bm7) clouds in a win- (E) ter sky, (A(9)/C#) in a (Am7) thousand un- (G/B) said words, (C(9)) (D) in a (Am7) thousand cra- (G/B) zy rea- (Dm/F) sons why, (C/E) you were meant to (Am11) fly. (A/C#) So fly for (D(9)) me, (A/C#) and (G(9)/B) day by day, I'll keep (Dsus) hopin' your (D/F#) heart re- (G(9)) minds you. (A(9)) Nothing but love can stand (Dsus) in our way, (D(9)) (D/F#) but love can see us (G(9)) through. Maybe that's all I want- (F#m7) ed to say. (Bm7) I will al- (Em7) ways sing (A) for (G(9)) you. (Em7) I will (A7sus) always sing (D(9)) for (A/C#) you. (G(9)) (D)

SOS

Every summer I spend one or two weeks doing something called Summer of Service with my church. Summer of Service (SOS) is a community service day camp for middle schoolers and high schoolers run by our youth program. We work wherever we're needed around the area. We spend the Monday through Thursday on work sites for most of the day then come back to the church and play games. On Friday, we go to the beach. This week is the first time I'll be a counselor so I'll have more responsibility for the other kids. Tomorrow I'll be working in the cemetery at my church. I'm looking forward to spending the week with my friends and the other kids from church!

A blast from the past... (continued)

Soon after I finished my last post, I texted my mother. I said "Can I talk to you alone when you get a chance?". Maybe 30 minutes later, she came up to my bedroom from watching Sex and the City and I immediately began crying. I told her that I wasn't comfortable at dinner and that it's the same as her other relationships... She apologized and promised that she'd try harder this time. I believe that she's being sincere, but next time I call her out on it, her reaction will probably be different. I'm lucky this time her reaction was favorable. I wish her the best, I really do. I just don't want her to have her idea of the best. She deserves better: a normal, happy relationship.

A blast from the past...

Right now, I'm in Provincetown with my mom, sister, and my sister's friend. We came down on Monday and are leaving Thursday. I can't really remember how much I've shared about my mother's dating history, but it's not particularly good. She's had a few serious relationships, and most of them were awful, abusive even. Last August she broke up with her fiance. Seeing as they had bought a house together, it wasn't a simple split. There was a lot of fighting. It got so bad, that one night in the fall, the police were called, and he was arrested. After that, whenever he was around, I stayed with my dad. I refused to see him. Very soon after they broke up, he moved to Maryland for work and we were left with this giant, empty house that we can't afford. While we are trying to sell it, the market is really bad and it's not moving at all. A few months after they split, my mom began dating a little bit, but not extremely seriously. Finally, I think she's found a great guy who she can be happy with, but she doesn't think so. She thinks he's too tall and skinny and he eats weird. Today, he came to spend our last night with us to Provincetown. He went to the beach with us today. We had fun. Then, we came back to the house and they left to go back to the beach and watch the sunset. When they came back, everything was different. When we walked to dinner, they were holding hands and I was excited that she may have began to see that he might be a good match for her. We got to the restaurant and I felt like I was intruding on their romantic date. I understand that they should have time to be romantic and gross, but it shouldn't be at a family dinner. That's exactly what I hated about all of her other relationships. Her boyfriend wasn't actually the problem, it was her. The way that she looked at him was like she drunk on love. Scratch that! The way she looked (period) was like she was drunk on love. Her eyes were half open and it seemed like all she really cared about was him. Sorry, I'm getting too upset to even type this. I'll post more later.

Peeps in the Hood

I like my friends from two towns over. At times, they seem like the only friends I really have. They are the most amazing people in the world. I find myself wondering what I'm doing here and not there. If I feel like I'm in Hell every time I come in this school, then why do I stay here? It's because of my mother. If I were to tell her that I want to move in with my dad, she wouldn't be able to deal. My older sister already moved in with my dad 3.5 years ago and that didn't turn out so well. But really, why do I want to stay in pain for her satisfaction? Things won't turn out the way they did with my sister. Why can't I just do something for myself for a change? Almost everything I do is to please her, but I just don't know why. She's the most selfish person I know. She's cruel and nasty, but I love her because she's my mother and I'm her daughter. I believe I'll talk to my dad about it.

Standardized Testing

Here in Massachusetts we have this thing called MCAS (em-kass). Other states have it too, but it's called something different. It has a subject (math, ELA, physical science...) and they ask you a bunch of questions, you fill in the bubble, they tell you if you suck or not. In high school, it's a big deal. My darling older sister did very well on her MCAS tests throughout high school so she got the John and Abigail Adams Scholarship which means she can go to state college for free. My stepdad (my father's husband) has been telling me to do really well so I can get the same scholarship. I get it, I really do, but it's pressure. Last night I went to youth group at my church and my stepdad said he would drive me to my mom's after. I told him it had to be right after because I had ELA MCAS today. He said that was fine and he would drive me when I got back to his house. I got home at 8:45. He wasn't there. I called... I called... I called... no answer. I called my dad... no answer. I called my stepdad again... "I'm at Staples. I'll be back soon." "I have MCAS so I need to get home and Julia (my sister) needs to be back at the program (where she lives) at 9." "Okay.". He got home at 9:45. Julia and I told him we needed to go. "Julia needs to cut this big pile of boxes." "We need to go!" "After Julia cuts the boxes!". Julia cut the boxes. She got back to the program at 10:20 (an hour and 20 minutes after she was supposed to) and I got to my mom's at 10:50. I'm usually fine with six hours of sleep or sometimes less, but not on MCAS day. I got up this morning feeling exhausted and didn't do as well on the test as I could have if I had gotten more sleep. In conclusion, it is not my fault if my parents have to pay for college.

Gaga for Gaga

I have been in love with Lady Gaga from the start. She's the most rad person on the globe. Scratch that! She is the globe. The world revolves around her. I'm posting about Gaga because I recently spent nine minutes and thirty-two seconds (nueve minutos y treinta y dos segundos {Ahh! I can't even spell out a number without thinking of Spanish class!}) watching the coolest video on the planet called Gaga. Gaga (She does, in fact, prefer to be called "Gaga".) has the coolest style. She's one hundred (ciento) percent herself. I don't just mean her fashion sense. The way she speaks, sings, carries herself, and lives in totally unique. Her lyrics are rad as well.

"Russian Roulette is not the same without a gun"
"I'm bluffin' with my muffin; I'm not lyin', I'm just stunnin' with my love glue-gunnin'"
Who thinks of this shit, you ask? Gaga does.

Anyway, back to the music video. I'm not a big Beyonce fan. I recognize her talent, but I hadn't seen anything special until she and Gaga got together. It makes me want to use my telephone. That sounded dirty, but I don't think a "That's what she said!" joke is applicable.

Also, let's get something straight. As you find out at the beginning of Gaga's "Telephone" video, she does not, in fact, have a dick.

So, check out Beyonce, Gaga, and dick-less body parts in the music video for "Telephone". A link to it is below.

I am...

Here's a poem inspired by one of my great friends. It's called an "I am..." poem. I remember writing one last year in English class but here's one that's actually true.

I am...

I am a comedy junkie.
I am a lover of teenage dramas.
I am the husband of all the Desperate Housewives.

I am the ear of country music.
I am the voice of musicals.
I am the stalker of Lady Gaga.

I am the death of prejudice.
I am a hater of hatred.
I am a promoter of love.

I am that kid in the corner.
I am the one in strange clothing.
I am the subject of your lame jokes.

I am the child of the insane.
I am the granddaughter of the southern Baptists.
I am the sister of the crazies.

I am one four-thousandth (or something) Native American.
I am from somewhere in Europe.
I am a southern mutt.

I am a liar.
I am a cheater.
I am DOING YOUR MOM.

Labels are for filing, not for people.

Let me start by saying that this is an informational post that will have lots of information.



DEFINITIONS

Ally - Typically any non-LGBT person who supports and stands up for the rights of LGBT people, though LGBT people can be allies, such as a lesbian who is an ally to a transgender person.

Bisexual - A person who is attracted to both men and women.

Closeted/"In the Closet" - Describes a person who keeps their sexual orientation or gender identity a secret from some or all people.

Coming Out - The process of acknowledging one's sexual orientation and/or gender identity to other people. For most LGBT people this is a life-long process.

Gay - A person who is attracted only to members of the same sex. Although it can be used for any sex (e.g. gay man, gay woman, gay person), "lesbian" is usually the preferred term for women who are attracted to women.

Gender Expression - The manner in which a person outwardly expresses their gender.

Gender Identity - A person's inner sense of self as male, female or somewhere in between. Most people develop a gender identity that corresponds to their biological sex but many do not.

Heterosexual/Straight - A person who is only attracted to members of the opposite sex.

Heterosexism - The attitude that heterosexuality is the only valid or acceptable sexual orientation.

Homosexual - A clinical term for people who are attracted to members of the same sex. Some gay men and lesbians find this term offensive.

Homophobia - Fear of lesbians and gay men.

Lesbian - A woman who is only attracted to other women.

LGBT - Acronyms for "lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender."

Openly Gay/Lesbian/Bisexual/Transgender - A person who publicly acknowledges their sexual orientation and/or gender identity.

Outing - The act of revealing an LGBT person's sexual orientation and/or gender identity without that person's consent.

Queer - An umbrella term used by some LGBT people to refer to themselves. In the past, this term has been considered offensive and some LGBT people still consider it so.

Questioning - A person who is unsure about their sexual orientation or gender identity.

Sexual Orientation - A person's attraction to members of the same and/or opposite sex. Includes gay, lesbian, bisexual and heterosexual.

Transgender - A person whose gender identity does not correspond to their biological sex.



Although it's so easy to define these, it can be very hard for someone who is questioning to figure out which one defines them the best. It may seem easy or just unimportant, but imagine how much it must hurt someone to contemplate and then eventually share with people. Keep that on your mind.

Honestly?

My mother always claims that she doesn't care what happens as long as we're honest about it. That's a load of bull.

Last night my mother got in from a match.com date after midnight. I hear her high heels slapping the floor. She walks over near my room and stops. I try to figure out what she's doing because she's not entering my room or my sister's which is right across the hall. Then it comes to me. She's going through our cellulars. Our phones sit outside our rooms every night because my mother doesn't want us to be texting when we should be sleeping. It's understandable. Five minutes later and she's still there. I decide to go and catch her in the act. I turn on my light and open my bedroom door. She drops a phone becomes a deer in headlights. A few moments pass and I ask her "Are you going through our phones?" She spends the next minute or two making excuses. She claims that she's worried about my sister. I go to the bathroom and return to my bedroom pissed off. She walks in a few moments later and tries to explain further. She says that some person from the D.A. thinks that teens' cellphones and Facebook pages shouldn't be private and she has a right to look at it. I get that. However, I think that parents should only invade privacy if there's a valid reason. My mom says that she thinks my fourteen year old is smoking pot. Right. She tells me that it might be the reason that my sister is so unmotivated. If she has to move down to a normal level class, she must be on drugs! This morning my sister noticed that her phone was turned on and unplugged (she had turned it off and plugged it in last night). She asked my mom if she had unplugged it and my mom said that she hadn't. She straight up lied to her face. This was the second time my mom has lied about going through our phones. I decided that my little sister should know the truth so I told her what my mother had told me on the way into school this morning. When my mom picked me up after school my sister was already in the car and they were talking about it. It seems to be the only thing that we're talking about at all.

Peace bitches!

To be or not to be?

Over the past year and a half in high school, I have been in many situations where I have had to decide whether I should have fun or be good. These decisions range from do homework or watch tv to stay sober or get high.

I have to admit that most of the time I make a decision like this, most people think it is bad. Almost every time I watch tv rather than do homework, the teacher yells at me the next day.

One night, a few months ago, I did not make the best decisions. I decided to have fun with my friends and I did things that I would not have done if I was thinking straight. I was in the moment and having a good time. The decisions I made affected my relationship with one of my best friends. I've thought a lot about that night since then. I have talked to my friends about it. Although I would not make these decisions again, I wouldn't change the past. I don't regret what happened. It happened for a reason and I had a hell of a good time that night.

What I mean to say by all of this is don't dwell on the past. If nobody was hurt, don't regret it. Negative thoughts can weigh you down and cripple your mind. Stay positive!

The Family You Choose

I believe the most important people in your life are your family. I also believe that your family is not just your blood relatives. Your family is the group of people that truly care about you; the people that are there for you when you're down, when you're up, and when you're just being yourself! Your family should not judge you. Your family should be happy for you if you're happy or sad for you if you're upset.

Every time I feel upset, I can call any one of them they'll be there for me. Whenever I have something to celebrate, they're there with me cheering me on. They even pretend that I'm good at playing the guitar! I can honestly say I have the most amazing family in the world!

Exhibit A:

There is one member of my family that is one of the coolest and most sincere people I know. This chick is so rad but quite often, people don't realize it. Fortunately, I have the privilege to witness her awesomeness in action! I'm so lucky to have her in my life. My dear friend is an amazing artist and she has shared some of that work with me.

Here's just a fraction of her mind-blowing talent:

"I set my alarm to 11:11
I wake up with songs in my head
My dreams are real fun, if you know what I mean
They're the kind that make you sing, "I love you, I love you, I love you"
Who doesn't love their mother? Who doesn't love their brother? Who doesn't love another?
Who doesn't need help? Who has all the answers? Who knows everything?
I wanna meet you so badly
I wanna hold you in my arms tonight
If you're so strong, then why don't you help me?
I get hurt and I feel pain
I fall down and I feel shame
I feel love and my broken heart is healed
Because I feel
And my dreams;
They're the kind that make you sing, "I love you, I love you, I love you"
Who doesn't love their mother? Who doesn't love their brother? Who doesn't love another?
Who doesn't need help? Who has all the answers? Who knows everything?
Have you seen it all? Is it beautiful? Is it wonderful?
Is it a place where dreams come true? Is it a place that makes you sing, "I love you, I love you, I love you. I want you, I want you, I want you. I need you, I need you, I need you. I dream about you"?
Can you navigate your way? Can you find the right path? Do you know all the maps? But can you find your way to my heart?
And my dreams;
They're the kind that make you sing, "I love you, I love you, I love you"
Who doesn't love their mother? Who doesn't love their brother? Who doesn't love another?
Who doesn't need help? Who has all the answers? Who knows everything?
In my dreams I feel like dying. In my dreams I feel like flying.
In my dreams I am a mother. In my dreams I have another.
In my dreams I think and feel. In my dreams I feel despair.
In my dreams I am alive. In my dreams I do survive.
In my dreams I sing, "I love you, I love you, I love you."
Who doesn't love their mother? Who doesn't love their brother? Who doesn't love another?
Who doesn't need help? Who has all the answers? Who knows everything?
I love you, I love you, I love you. I want you, I want you, I want you. I need you, I need you, I need you. I dream about you.
You hold my hand and say, "Is this it?"
I reply, "Yes, this is love."
Then my alarm goes of at 11:11.
With my dream song stuck in my head."

I am truly blessed! I hope that everyone will have the chance to experience the joy that I get from simple interactions with my family.

Drama (Llama?)

Many teenagers live for drama. Unfortunately, those of us who do not still have to deal with it constantly. I'm sick of it! Don't get me wrong. If I have a friend in crisis, I'm happy to be the shoulder to cry on. However, when a friend gives me some self-inflicted sob-story, I often want to punch her in the face.

Exhibit A:

Girl's boyfriend does not call like he said he would. He must not love her anymore!

Exhibit B:

Friend cancels plans to help get over boyfriend (see Exhibit A) because she's grounded. She's such a bitch.

Exhibit C:

Ohmygod! Teacher took points off because girl didn't do assignment. She was really busy texting asshole boyfriend (see Exhibit A) and bitching about friend who ditched her (see Exhibit A). Girl simply could not do the assignment. Teacher is such a sexist pervert.

I think I have made my point. Oh! If only, if only we could eliminate the drama.